Silence

So the past few months we have not been as good about posting here... we have been dealing with some things in our personal lives and we have not had enough energy to find things to post about.  Not that we have had ideas, but the time needed to expand on them has been used to try and figure out what is going on with us. 
We have not hidden the fact that we live differently than most, and with that comes different challenges and greater rewards.. being the 2 women in one man's life we have a wonderful benefit of having a friend to talk to about what is bugging us without airing our dirty laundry to someone on the outside.  But that can cause frustrations also as it can look like 2 are ganging up on the other.
In the past 8 weeks we have been working on our communication  (something most relationships need to work on all the time) as always we have our hiccups... but we keep working...
We are also in the process of changing our daily routine to include a school or learning time and looking into the best options for our kids.. our Son is of kindergarten age this fall and we have decided to delay for a year to allow his brain to develop more. But we want to work with him and provide him with more social interaction so if we decide to send him to school next year he is ready to work with other kids and listen to a teacher every day.  And our daughter cannot let brother get ahead of her (oh the sibling competition, and she is 18 months younger) so we have to see about teaching her already!
There are others outside our immediate family who think they know best and are getting rather pushy about what they think is best. But then a learning toy we picked out (for birthday) is to advanced? Not sure why but it has been voiced... all while portraying the attitude that we are lazy and can't handle the teaching... we are at a loss to figure out what the issue really is, but would really love to be trusted for once. Thankfully there are others also not immediate family who think we are doing a great job and the learning is going right on track for him, and this person is a teacher who just last year was teaching his age group. that helps us to feel like we are on the right path even if it is not the path that one person feels like we should take even knowing the detrimental effects it could have on his life long learning...
That in a nutshell is what has been going on here.. there will also be some good news about the craft business soon (still working out details)
We feel bad about not posting more, but we have to find the balance in the many hats we wear daily..
Wife, mother, housekeeper, business woman, crafter, artisan, daughter, gopher, and chauffeur just to name a few..
Not trying to make excuses, just trying to shed light on the crazy lives we lead...

Father's day

Yesterday was Father's day.. and one in our year of firsts.. we tried to make it special for John and David and ignored the fact that it was the first without our dads.. until the evening, then I made a toast to them and to the dads still here.

John with his pride and joys...

We will always miss our Fathers

Ellen's Father 

Lisa's Father

They were great men, fathers, husbands, sons, grandfathers...

Hi functioning depression

I read an article this evening that got me thinking.. it was about hi functioning depression.. a term I have never heard but knew instantly it was me.
I remember a little about being "normal" but my memories are few and far between. Some where around when my sister was born it all changed. But I did not know it then,  I kept on with life,  but I had a really hard time getting to sleep @ night,  I was numb inside. Still showing emotions to the world (and most were true, I just did not feel them the same way) it was in that time window that I was abused for the 2nd time.  My parents did the best that could,  I do not blame them @ all. I blame the perv...
When I was 14 it happened again.. note it was more attempted, than actual. But all the bad feelings were there.. that time I shut down. The world saw I was depressed, but no one knew why. Almost a year after I told one person and she told me the same guy had tried it on her. What a pervert! I also allowed my best friend at the time to start to draw me back out into the world.  But the depression never left. I learned to cope with it,  I was social, I had friends, I was seen as someone who did not shut up.. but my insides were dead.. I thought many times about ending it,  came really close one time...
Then I found my blessing! Sharon! She was also a pastor's kid, raised in a conservative Christian Church (not the same one I was) and she got me!  She knew the questions to ask me,  the ones I did not have answers ready for... I started asking myself Why? When?  How? Then getting deeper, it is reaction? Or fear? Reason or false? And the list goes on.
Using the tools Sharon gave me I have been able to look at myself in a different way and have worked on a good many of my issues.. (I swear the list gets longer the more I work on it)
But what I have noticed in the last few months,  I am started to loose the always looking at the negative of a situation.. that it not to say that it does not come up,  but that I am able to say no to it. This enables me to get to the root of what is bothering me without making it about someone else.... progress is hard,  but worth it..
I will always be more down than some,  but I can always work on me,  making me a better person,  lover,  mother....

This is the story that got me started

Test Results

This week I had a doctor's appointment. It was to get some results from tests the doctor had run on me. Most of it was the usual stuff. I need to lose weight and get my cholesterol down.  And then there was the one I wasn't expecting. We did the tests to check for autoimmune disorders.  One of the markers came back positive. My sister called me a lucky bum and the doctor looked at us like we were crazy. Maybe we are but it was a relief to finally have at least a partial answer to what is going on with my body. My sister and I deal with many of the same issues. She has been actively seeking answers for several years. I have only been trying to figure it out for a year or so. Before that I simply tried to ignore it. I guess the doctor isn't used to people being happy over a diagnosis like that. But it meant I wasn't imagining things. There was something wrong all this time that people told me it was all in my head.
This has got me thinking about all the things that I ignore until they are too big to ignore. I know a lot of it is in how I grew up with the impression that my problems were not as important as everybody else.  It took something drastic for anyone to even notice me. So I don't trust my own instincts and feelings. That really messes a person up. Half the time I don't even trust my own memories.

Long week

This week has been a drag. Lisa and I are both sick (a cold) so we have been taking it easy and trying to get better. Both kids are having allergy issues and John is fighting the cold.. So this week has been all about resting, cough control, and Kleenex.
The allergies that turned into the cold started a couple of weeks ago, and they have not gone away, but all the drainage was clear so we were not worried, then last Sunday I had a weird blood pressure issue, that the ER doc decided was a panic attack (I have had panic attacks and this was NO panic attack) brought on by the allergies.. but I am fine we just wanted to make sure that there was not a bigger issue we were missing. but the one night in the ER turned the sinuses and I knew when I woke up that I had a cold. Tues. Lisa and I both went to the dr to get something and the dr I saw (urgent care, as that is closer than my dr) thought it was nothing and that it would run its course, I demanded antibiotics, and she gave me the small z pak.. 3 days in and I am no better, honestly worse.. so I think next week I will need to go see my dr and get something stronger.
I do not like to take antibiotics, but when my body gets a cold (esp with a cough like this) I cannot get rid of it any other way. The best natural thing I have found is Grapefruit seed extract, but the taste is vile and when you have a a sore throat that is RAW (like strep) it is 100x worse and you have to take it 3-4 times a day.
I want to get a better assortment of herbs and oils to see if we can get rid of things without nasty meds. But it takes time and we are expanding, so we will get there..

New Toy

Open, showing the inside finish

So this weekend we built a new dehydrator. We have gone through 3 commercial dehydrators in the last year. We are hard on them. I guess they are not designed for constant use. In our house we dry so many things. Herbs, onions, tomatoes are our main things. We grow several herbs and use drying to preserve them. We make our own onion powder from dried onions. (It tastes so much better than the stuff you get in the store.)
The tomatoes are what we get the weird looks about.  We make a powder out of the dried tomatoes that we use to flavor soups, beans and other dishes.

The inside is sealed with a food grade wood sealant, as are all the trays.. the outside is simply stained to help the wood last a little better.. 

it is about 5 feet tall and has room for 14 trays.. we only have enough of the mesh for 12 right now (we will pick up another roll soon)

The trays are 18x12, not super large but not tiny. We used a food grade mesh also as we do things like tomatoes that cannot go on metal. What you cannot see is the 2 small computer fans that are set so one pulls air in and over the heating bulb, and the other pull the air up through the trays and out the top.

 The links in the pictures are to the corresponding items that we used.

After staining closed

the heating bulb

Tray with mesh held over it

close up of the mesh

Controller 

the mesh

We spent just under $200 for all the parts, and we have enough of the food safe finish to do another one. This includes the wood, and we uses 1x1's and a nice 3/8 inch thick plywood. We used the nicer plywood as it will be seen ALL the time.

This Dehydrator is close to 1/3 the size and is more than 1/3 the cost. The best benefit is that if something goes, we can replace it not the whole thing. 

Now the most fun... getting to use it!!!

Thinking about hard things

I saw a blog this week where a gal shared that she was expecting and how a miscarriage was changing how she was reacting to this little one growing inside.
That got me to thinking about the challenges I am dealing with and how hard it is. This is vary hard for me to write about. For several resons, 1 not all of my family knows that I am trying, and 2 not all of my family knows about my relationship with my other halfs. So hitting publish on this one is going to be hard.

  I had my first miscarriage when I was 22. I was on birth control and I had not missed a pill, I was a little late with a couple but not a full miss. I was changing Dr's also and I called the new one to ask a question. I was told that my appointment would be kept and that everything should be ok. Ya.. no.. I lost that one @ about 6 weeks. I was sad over it for a long time... but was not in a place that I wanted to start a family.  Fast forward to 29 and the same thing happens again. Only this time I was in my ob's office several times in the 2 weeks that my period was late. That time we never got a test to say I was pregnant but even the OB thought I was. Then my marriage ended and I was glad we did not have a baby *even if I was still really upset about the miscarriages* In my next relationship I missed a month @ 31 and we thought it might be.  But no.. then that relationship ended.
It happened again @ 34. After that time (rather sure I was, as the way it passed) we started sort of trying... my health has been more stable and my stress lower. It seemed like a good time. My other halfs are more then excited to have another one,  but now my body will not get on board. It has been 18 months and nothing. I am having the family issues with cysts, and found out that I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome. As I do more research on that,  the more I find that it is hard to treat. There is one medication that you can take,  and it does not like me. I found out that there are a couple others, but not as well studied. We are going to try one of them this month. You can loose weight,  no thanks I just finally reached a healthy weight for me (was under weight most of my life). I can go on a drastic diet, I don't think that is healthy. Or I can try herbs.. honestly the herbs look like the best option! So I have started to look into what herbs and why.
I am talking to my OB about every option and why or why not to try them. I am blessed that my OB now is a great gal who wants my health to be important also, not just the idea of having a baby.. I see her this week about the cycts and hope that I can start the herbs after that.
*Added after talking to my awesome OB today, we are going to try another medication and the herbal teas. I love that she is ok with me trying herbs and I even forgot to print the sheet I put together on the herbs for her.*
I have always known I am a mother. When I was little I wanted kids of my own (even after helping my mom with my little sister, who is 7 1/2 years younger than I) As the years have gone by I have been blessed with step kids who I will always love. And my other halfs kids who know me as mama Ellen. But that feeling that I should have one of my own is still there, yes I will be ok if I can't have one. But I can't even describe the feeling, it is not a longing, it is not a wish or desire. I just feel like I am to have one. The feeling is honestly the same today as it was when I was 10... it is not about having someone to love me (I have that, both from my kids, good friends and in my relationship with my other halfs).
But I know if I ever get pregnant, I am going to have a hard time getting excited about it (don't want to get my hopes up, or deal with the pain of loss again) and my biggest fear is that it will effect the baby in some way.
In the same way it hurts to see those around me getting pregnant without trying, or very little trying. I had a melt down emotionally when I was told by some friends, they had gotten pregnant and were going to abort. I must clarify that the melt down was about me not them and they made the choice they needed to, for health and personal reasons.
In some ways I have dealt with this really well, in other ways I have not dealt with it at all.. I can logically tell myself that until the last one @ 34, that it was for the best.  But logic and the heart are 2 vary different things.