I saw a blog this week where a gal shared that she was expecting and how a miscarriage was changing how she was reacting to this little one growing inside.
That got me to thinking about the challenges I am dealing with and how hard it is. This is vary hard for me to write about. For several resons, 1 not all of my family knows that I am trying, and 2 not all of my family knows about my relationship with my other halfs. So hitting publish on this one is going to be hard.
That got me to thinking about the challenges I am dealing with and how hard it is. This is vary hard for me to write about. For several resons, 1 not all of my family knows that I am trying, and 2 not all of my family knows about my relationship with my other halfs. So hitting publish on this one is going to be hard.
I had my first miscarriage when I was 22. I was on birth control and I had not missed a pill, I was a little late with a couple but not a full miss. I was changing Dr's also and I called the new one to ask a question. I was told that my appointment would be kept and that everything should be ok. Ya.. no.. I lost that one @ about 6 weeks. I was sad over it for a long time... but was not in a place that I wanted to start a family. Fast forward to 29 and the same thing happens again. Only this time I was in my ob's office several times in the 2 weeks that my period was late. That time we never got a test to say I was pregnant but even the OB thought I was. Then my marriage ended and I was glad we did not have a baby *even if I was still really upset about the miscarriages* In my next relationship I missed a month @ 31 and we thought it might be. But no.. then that relationship ended.
It happened again @ 34. After that time (rather sure I was, as the way it passed) we started sort of trying... my health has been more stable and my stress lower. It seemed like a good time. My other halfs are more then excited to have another one, but now my body will not get on board. It has been 18 months and nothing. I am having the family issues with cysts, and found out that I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome. As I do more research on that, the more I find that it is hard to treat. There is one medication that you can take, and it does not like me. I found out that there are a couple others, but not as well studied. We are going to try one of them this month. You can loose weight, no thanks I just finally reached a healthy weight for me (was under weight most of my life). I can go on a drastic diet, I don't think that is healthy. Or I can try herbs.. honestly the herbs look like the best option! So I have started to look into what herbs and why.
I am talking to my OB about every option and why or why not to try them. I am blessed that my OB now is a great gal who wants my health to be important also, not just the idea of having a baby.. I see her this week about the cycts and hope that I can start the herbs after that.
*Added after talking to my awesome OB today, we are going to try another medication and the herbal teas. I love that she is ok with me trying herbs and I even forgot to print the sheet I put together on the herbs for her.*
I have always known I am a mother. When I was little I wanted kids of my own (even after helping my mom with my little sister, who is 7 1/2 years younger than I) As the years have gone by I have been blessed with step kids who I will always love. And my other halfs kids who know me as mama Ellen. But that feeling that I should have one of my own is still there, yes I will be ok if I can't have one. But I can't even describe the feeling, it is not a longing, it is not a wish or desire. I just feel like I am to have one. The feeling is honestly the same today as it was when I was 10... it is not about having someone to love me (I have that, both from my kids, good friends and in my relationship with my other halfs).
But I know if I ever get pregnant, I am going to have a hard time getting excited about it (don't want to get my hopes up, or deal with the pain of loss again) and my biggest fear is that it will effect the baby in some way.
In the same way it hurts to see those around me getting pregnant without trying, or very little trying. I had a melt down emotionally when I was told by some friends, they had gotten pregnant and were going to abort. I must clarify that the melt down was about me not them and they made the choice they needed to, for health and personal reasons.
In some ways I have dealt with this really well, in other ways I have not dealt with it at all.. I can logically tell myself that until the last one @ 34, that it was for the best. But logic and the heart are 2 vary different things.
It happened again @ 34. After that time (rather sure I was, as the way it passed) we started sort of trying... my health has been more stable and my stress lower. It seemed like a good time. My other halfs are more then excited to have another one, but now my body will not get on board. It has been 18 months and nothing. I am having the family issues with cysts, and found out that I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome. As I do more research on that, the more I find that it is hard to treat. There is one medication that you can take, and it does not like me. I found out that there are a couple others, but not as well studied. We are going to try one of them this month. You can loose weight, no thanks I just finally reached a healthy weight for me (was under weight most of my life). I can go on a drastic diet, I don't think that is healthy. Or I can try herbs.. honestly the herbs look like the best option! So I have started to look into what herbs and why.
I am talking to my OB about every option and why or why not to try them. I am blessed that my OB now is a great gal who wants my health to be important also, not just the idea of having a baby.. I see her this week about the cycts and hope that I can start the herbs after that.
*Added after talking to my awesome OB today, we are going to try another medication and the herbal teas. I love that she is ok with me trying herbs and I even forgot to print the sheet I put together on the herbs for her.*
I have always known I am a mother. When I was little I wanted kids of my own (even after helping my mom with my little sister, who is 7 1/2 years younger than I) As the years have gone by I have been blessed with step kids who I will always love. And my other halfs kids who know me as mama Ellen. But that feeling that I should have one of my own is still there, yes I will be ok if I can't have one. But I can't even describe the feeling, it is not a longing, it is not a wish or desire. I just feel like I am to have one. The feeling is honestly the same today as it was when I was 10... it is not about having someone to love me (I have that, both from my kids, good friends and in my relationship with my other halfs).
But I know if I ever get pregnant, I am going to have a hard time getting excited about it (don't want to get my hopes up, or deal with the pain of loss again) and my biggest fear is that it will effect the baby in some way.
In the same way it hurts to see those around me getting pregnant without trying, or very little trying. I had a melt down emotionally when I was told by some friends, they had gotten pregnant and were going to abort. I must clarify that the melt down was about me not them and they made the choice they needed to, for health and personal reasons.
In some ways I have dealt with this really well, in other ways I have not dealt with it at all.. I can logically tell myself that until the last one @ 34, that it was for the best. But logic and the heart are 2 vary different things.
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