Learning.. always learning

The past 2 weeks I have not done much in the crafty realm. I like to blame the weather that had my hands hurting to the point that I could not do much (they are like weather veins) But in my never ending quest to keep busy I dove into learning more about PTSD. I had seen a Dr Oz show that got me started thinking about it  few week before. On the show The guest was talking about how any traumatic event can cause this  kind of reaction from the body/brain.
Note: before I go on I want to make clear that I think most times PTSD that non military people deal with is less but that does not mean that it is not there. Our brave men and women who have served our country are dealing with the worst kind because they had to do things they would never do in "normal" life and they saw way more then that. This post in NO way is trying to make PTSD smaller then it is, I am trying to talk about a scale of mild to totally disabling. Each person's experiences are different and so is the aftermath.
As I thought more about that and reactions/feelings I saw that both Hubby and I have been dealing with issues that fall into that spectrum. I am blessed to be a part of a group on Facebook for PTSD support/learning. The lady who facilitates it has a wonderful understanding and a beautiful way of putting things into words to really uplifted and support. Reading other's challenges, has given me a clearer understanding and has helped me see how it affects those in my life.
Over the past five years both my husband and I went from working full time to be home full-time (still hoping I can get back to work). This transition has not been easy especially for him as he feels responsible for the family support. This transition has caused many PTSD symptoms and has taught us coping skills. overall I think we are handling our situation very well. But I wish I had learned more sooner.
As I look back over my life I can see several traumatic incidents, and after each incident I saw a change in myself. At the time I dealt with it, which was the best thing to do (sometimes it took many years to deal with but it has been done) but had I known more about PTSD even in my teens it would have better equipped me to deal with things in a timely fashion.
The biggest reason I wish I had learned more sooner is that it might have assisted with my ex-husband. He didn't like to think of it as PTSD so I never dove into it. He preferred survivor syndrome or something of that nature and I did do some looking into that but that was not as helpful to me, it might have been more helpful for him... I have no regrets as I did what I could but sometimes looking back you see what more you might have done.

Some things that PTSD can cause:
Feeling unloveable, worthless, not a "man" (breadwinner)
Acting out verbally, physically, and sexually (one of the biggest issues is cheating)
Depression, trouble sleeping, nightmares from hell, fatigue
Those with PTSD are often argumentative and seem to start something from nothing, but what their brains say they believe.. ie "you always treat me like a child" they feel like you are waiting on them hand and foot like you would a sick kid, so you must think they are like a kid. but in reality it is because they need X, Y and Z to stay calm so you just got those items for them without being asked. (btw this is not a real example)

Some tips for all of us caregivers, family or friends who want to stay in their lives:
Don't say like "it is all in your head", "I don't see anything wrong so you must be fine" or "you are not the person you used to be" anything along those lines. those with PTSD want to be the person they were before and most are working every day to be that person. This put down can set them back months
Don't let them get away with acting badly, but learn to remind without anger (this is something I am still learning..) and respond without anger when lashed out at ("inferred" or real)
Help where ever you can, even if that means going in the next room for a while so that calming down can happen faster.
Find ways to help them release the anger they feel at not being able to do the things they used to do, or for feeling that they are worthless/ unlovable
Find ways to release your own pain, you cannot be a caregiver (in any way not just PTSD) for long if you cannot have you time, and things that help you unwind. (My crafts are part of that for me, also computer games)

My 2 cents :)

Pets

I know this does not hold true for everyone but for me pets are a life saver! Animals are little stress relievers, they love us no matter what mood we are in, and they know when we are down or sick. I am a cat lover, so they are my favorite. This week on my trip down memory lane I found some pictures of one of my cat's

Smokey as a kitten

Smokey as an old man (about 8 years old)

I know that Smokey did not live as long as some cats do but he was an outdoor cat in Coyote country so he really did live a long life. I have a cat now who reminds me a lot of my Smokey, so I think of him often. I had him for about 5 years before we moved across country and I had to leave him. He would not have liked becoming an indoor cat (even if my dad had allowed it) and when I went away to college he would have been lonely.

I will talk about animals in another post as I have done some work with a local no kill rescue. but for now I will introduce my cats (the ones living here now)

These are the 3 who sleep with me every night. in fact this was taken because I could not move one night :)

The Orange Tabby is Tigger, He came with my husband, and step kids. He is the Old man of the house at 16 years old. he is loosing his sight but overall is a happy cat. He sleeps more now then he used to (about 22-23 hours a day sometimes) He likes to be with the girls :) so he sleeps by my head most nights (I made a shelf with pillows for him)

This is my Lee, he is about 3 years old and a loving cat, shy and a frady cat like my Smokey. Also vocal, he likes to talk to us, esp the hour before feeding time. his markings are so cool he looks like a wild cat but he would never make it in that world. He is one of the kittens who had a really bad infection, but it did not slow his growth like it did some of the others.

This is Gemini (meaning Twin, as she has a sister who looks JUST like her, named Gemelli for the same meaning) But she answers to Baby also. She is technically my hubby's cat but she loves her mommy. she is also one of the kittens with the infection, she has been small her whole life, but in the last year has caught up :) She likes to sleep on clean clothes... esp when I don't want her to sleep on them.

 This is my step-son's cat Scribbles, she is a almost 4 years old and full of life. She loves boxes and the laser light. she does not like the other cats much, so she tends to stay in my step-son's room more then coming out to play. But she is a loving cat and she loves her human!

Quilting

I had several items that were sentimental but not in condition to use so I thought I would to a memory quilt.. well this turned into a HUGE project with a quilt for each of my step kids and one for my husband and I... I just finished the first one. After this project is done I will never make a quilt with 5 inch squares again (before seam allowance)

I used a rag style quilt as the pattern, I then made manageable blocks and sewed them together before I put the whole thing together (sorry no picture of a block) I used 2 sheets for the backing but cut them into squares also. I made a pattern so that each block was the same but could be turned anyway to fit and the pattern would not change.

Each square is 3 layers the top, filling and backing. I used old fleece blankets for the filling as I had them and they were in need of up-cycling (stains, holes)

I used my machine to make a large x in each piece then I used the serger to put them together, I did it assembly like style I took each row and lined them up then did all the x's then went to the serger to make them rows.

I learned that after the rows are done a trim and iron are needed before putting the block together, then a final trim and iron.

This is not a perfect quilt, I would have liked it to be a little more square but working with all different kinds of fabric made that hard. I trimmed each block to  "square" before the final assembly but it was not quite right... LOL the edge is done with the serger and trimmed to about 1/4 inch just as the other seams are.

One more will be done like this, the other 2 will be a yarn tied as they have larger squares that were logos and sayings from items. the next one I am going to work on is one of those. Final dimensions are about 85x85 large enough for a queen and almost for a king. I learned a lot from this and I am better prepared to do another quilt now.. but I have a new respect for people who quilt... it is HARD work. I have made clothes (mostly rennie garb) and little items for years but this was a whole new ball game! I will need a different foot for my machine if I plan on doing other kinds of quilts (a walking foot that moves the top layers of fabric not just the bottom)
This one is for the eldest and I hope to give it to her next Wed. The fabric content is from all of us and that is special.

Memories and Masks part 2

I shared the whole of what I wrote yesterday with my hubby and I decided to go ahead and post the life events... now this is the readers digest condensed version but these events are the ones that stand out the most to me as having a MAJOR intact on making me who I am today, I am still learning from the past as I see more with each passing year. I strive to learn from what has happened so that I can react better to what happens around me now.
This is expressed in a way that people who don't know me will have a hard time finding out the who and where, I also tried to share the way I see things now, so some bad things are put in a better light (part of that is also that I did not want to get into those, but not ignore that they were there) This is a little insight into me for those who wish to read it :)

The story goes like this:I am the daughter of a minister so I was seen as the example so I had to act right, proper, like a lady.. and so on. I was not an evil kid and I like to please people so I became to person that I "should be". I had a great childhood and I had friends, but about age 8 I started seeing that I was different then the image I "needed to portray" Yes, my little sister arriving had something to do with that but as much as we fought over the years, I love her LOTS and would not changed a thing about her. She taught me that I have a built in mothering instinct and I love to use it :) at this time most of my friends were not my age as I did not fit in with the girls (I was a tom boy) and the boys did not want me around most of the time, there were some that I was friends with but I did not get to see them as much. I also had some issues with the boys wanting me to do things that I did not want to do (yes, things that should not be..) thankfully my friends stood up for me and while the pressure was there still, the question was never asked again. So I started spending more time with my mom's friends and several other older people. I got vary close to one and while that was odd given the age difference and looking back I feel like I was a 3rd wheel most of the time, I also have loads of great, fun memories, and it was easy to say that there was someone watching the dating pair :) After they got married things changed, but not in a bad way. I was ecstatic to find out they were expecting! I saved all my allowance and got them a nice car seat, cause I wanted to give a gift, but also cause I wanted the little one to be safe (yes, I had my mom help me look up the safest models). I was so happy when she arrived, I loved that little one from the min. I knew she was on her way. but then when she was still a baby, they packed up and moved, at the time I was heartbroken, now I see the logic. We kept in touch here and there. I started feeling down more with them gone but I found another friend to help me (I tend to have 1 really close friend at a time, now I have a couple) but my life was about to change again. I found boys! they did not find me, so I was able to be friends with them better then most of the girls! I never told them that I liked them cause I just wanted to be close to them, to be on the "inside", getting info for the other girls. That method did not work... but that was ok with me. One of the guys I liked at this time had a girlfriend in a different state (or so he said) and I was able to spend more time with him for a few reasons. but I decided that he was not worthy of me when I saw the way he treated the kid brothers of another friend, I knew I wanted a guy that liked kids... this one did not! a few months later he tried something he should not have and I then despised him. That event sent me into a bad depression, I told no one for months about what happened not because I was ashamed but because of threats. that fall I found myself talking to someone about this person and she asked why I disliked him, I told her what happened and she told me he had tried something on her about a week after but she had not been threatened as there was no "need" in his eyes. I am thankful to a great friend who did everything she could to pull me from the grips of my depression, and little by little it worked, in a way... at home I did not change much still, but with time, and a piano to practice, I did. I started to excel in life again, I had friends my age, I was starting to really want to play the piano (meaning I practiced without being told, and many days 2 hours), and I started college at the local community college.Then my life changed again, we moved across the country and I went away to college... There I met my best friend of all time, and we are still trying to find out how we ever became friends, but we would not change it for anything. I also met the first man I would marry.. My first love... we spent many hours together and many hours apart with us in different states. I went across county again for school and he followed me when he was able, we then got married, and had lots of fun in the northwest. I then took him across the Rockies to see some family and we decided that side was where we wanted to be. We had been having some issues and I was hoping that moving would be a clean start, put the trouble behind us and move forward. So I found a job here and we moved. Sadly the trouble same along and things came to a breaking point in 2008 about 6 months before our 5 year anniversary. It broke my heart to tell him it is over, but I knew I could not be happy the way things were and after we had tried to work on them for several years the challenges were getting worse not better.. so I knew it was over...Yet another change... There was a guy at work who was a good friend, he was also leaving a relationship and we talked about it, (but only to each other as we did not want to be the people who spread rumors, even if we were just venting) I thought he was a cool guy but I would not even think about anything happening.. well, he had a truck and so I asked him to help move my Ex out of my place... so we talked for a while that evening and knew that we would give a relationship a try. we moved fast there is no doubt about that. But we had been talking at work for a year, so we had that background. I filed my divorce and it was final less then a month later.. just about that time my friend moved in with me and we were waiting on his divorce to be final (sadly that took a lot longer...) we got married about 2 weeks after his was final. we have now been together for almost 5 years..
This change gave me 3 step kids who I love. and all the challenges of being a step parent :) I told them from day one that I was not there to take their mother's place they had a mom, I was a bonus (or not sometimes if they were in trouble). This change has taught me more, and brought me more joy! We decided not to have any of our own (unless Mother Nature makes it so, when we are trying to prevent) because my step kids are of age and I  helped raise my sister so I did not feel that I was missing out. But more importantly for health reasons, I would have to go off my arthritis meds, and with the spot in my lower back I would not be able to move my right leg without crippling pain. So I am waiting for Grand kids to love on (but I am not in a rush, being a grandmother in my 30's is a little young LOL) 

Memories and Masks

This week has been full of emotion, I found that I had some things that needed dealing with. this came up when I found some friends who I have not had contact with for years. I was over joyed to find them again, but then I realized that I had hurt to deal with. I don't blame, there was reasons for losing touch... some of them on my side. But boy did I hurt not getting to know if they were safe, and how they were doing. Now that I have been dealing with that I started taking a walk down memory lane.
All the people that I know who I have not talked to for years, mostly because I am not the person they knew.
As things change so do we, In college I chose to start wearing jewelry, after many hours of bible study I decided that as long as it did not become a stumbling block for me then it was ok. I also have let myself fully drop the mask I starting wearing so many years ago. I let myself watch what I want, say what I want and eat what I want. But the Me that is now is so different from the mask, that many of my friends from years ago don't even know they know me when I see them. One person only knew because I was with my cousin, and they saw her more often.
I would love to reconnect with old friends, but I am not sure they would like the real me. So I am happy to know they are safe and will let them decide if they want to get to know the real me, I will friend them on social media so they can see me and I will talk to them but the ball is in their court. I am blessed with friends who like the real me so I am not without...

I wrote out my major life events and I have them saved, but I am not sure that I am ready to share that in full (I have left out names and places) so I will save it for another time.