Father's day

Yesterday was Father's day.. and one in our year of firsts.. we tried to make it special for John and David and ignored the fact that it was the first without our dads.. until the evening, then I made a toast to them and to the dads still here.

John with his pride and joys...

We will always miss our Fathers

Ellen's Father 

Lisa's Father

They were great men, fathers, husbands, sons, grandfathers...

Hi functioning depression

I read an article this evening that got me thinking.. it was about hi functioning depression.. a term I have never heard but knew instantly it was me.
I remember a little about being "normal" but my memories are few and far between. Some where around when my sister was born it all changed. But I did not know it then,  I kept on with life,  but I had a really hard time getting to sleep @ night,  I was numb inside. Still showing emotions to the world (and most were true, I just did not feel them the same way) it was in that time window that I was abused for the 2nd time.  My parents did the best that could,  I do not blame them @ all. I blame the perv...
When I was 14 it happened again.. note it was more attempted, than actual. But all the bad feelings were there.. that time I shut down. The world saw I was depressed, but no one knew why. Almost a year after I told one person and she told me the same guy had tried it on her. What a pervert! I also allowed my best friend at the time to start to draw me back out into the world.  But the depression never left. I learned to cope with it,  I was social, I had friends, I was seen as someone who did not shut up.. but my insides were dead.. I thought many times about ending it,  came really close one time...
Then I found my blessing! Sharon! She was also a pastor's kid, raised in a conservative Christian Church (not the same one I was) and she got me!  She knew the questions to ask me,  the ones I did not have answers ready for... I started asking myself Why? When?  How? Then getting deeper, it is reaction? Or fear? Reason or false? And the list goes on.
Using the tools Sharon gave me I have been able to look at myself in a different way and have worked on a good many of my issues.. (I swear the list gets longer the more I work on it)
But what I have noticed in the last few months,  I am started to loose the always looking at the negative of a situation.. that it not to say that it does not come up,  but that I am able to say no to it. This enables me to get to the root of what is bothering me without making it about someone else.... progress is hard,  but worth it..
I will always be more down than some,  but I can always work on me,  making me a better person,  lover,  mother....

This is the story that got me started

Test Results

This week I had a doctor's appointment. It was to get some results from tests the doctor had run on me. Most of it was the usual stuff. I need to lose weight and get my cholesterol down.  And then there was the one I wasn't expecting. We did the tests to check for autoimmune disorders.  One of the markers came back positive. My sister called me a lucky bum and the doctor looked at us like we were crazy. Maybe we are but it was a relief to finally have at least a partial answer to what is going on with my body. My sister and I deal with many of the same issues. She has been actively seeking answers for several years. I have only been trying to figure it out for a year or so. Before that I simply tried to ignore it. I guess the doctor isn't used to people being happy over a diagnosis like that. But it meant I wasn't imagining things. There was something wrong all this time that people told me it was all in my head.
This has got me thinking about all the things that I ignore until they are too big to ignore. I know a lot of it is in how I grew up with the impression that my problems were not as important as everybody else.  It took something drastic for anyone to even notice me. So I don't trust my own instincts and feelings. That really messes a person up. Half the time I don't even trust my own memories.

Long week

This week has been a drag. Lisa and I are both sick (a cold) so we have been taking it easy and trying to get better. Both kids are having allergy issues and John is fighting the cold.. So this week has been all about resting, cough control, and Kleenex.
The allergies that turned into the cold started a couple of weeks ago, and they have not gone away, but all the drainage was clear so we were not worried, then last Sunday I had a weird blood pressure issue, that the ER doc decided was a panic attack (I have had panic attacks and this was NO panic attack) brought on by the allergies.. but I am fine we just wanted to make sure that there was not a bigger issue we were missing. but the one night in the ER turned the sinuses and I knew when I woke up that I had a cold. Tues. Lisa and I both went to the dr to get something and the dr I saw (urgent care, as that is closer than my dr) thought it was nothing and that it would run its course, I demanded antibiotics, and she gave me the small z pak.. 3 days in and I am no better, honestly worse.. so I think next week I will need to go see my dr and get something stronger.
I do not like to take antibiotics, but when my body gets a cold (esp with a cough like this) I cannot get rid of it any other way. The best natural thing I have found is Grapefruit seed extract, but the taste is vile and when you have a a sore throat that is RAW (like strep) it is 100x worse and you have to take it 3-4 times a day.
I want to get a better assortment of herbs and oils to see if we can get rid of things without nasty meds. But it takes time and we are expanding, so we will get there..